We’ve all heard the latest buzzwords and phrases cropping up in corporate America: ‘quiet quitting,’ ‘Bare Minimum Monday,’ ‘hoteling,’ ‘digital nomads.’
It can be a lot to keep up with, but even with all those options, there does seem to be a lack of representation for alternative types of office workers.
This is why we’ve come up with some new, innovative twists on these recent trendy phrases to give you not only a whole new vocabulary for interacting with your professional peers, but also a whole new way to handle everything in your work life from minor inconveniences to making the most of your Thursdays!
Read on for our alternate options to professionalism’s latest lingo.
Careen In
Our answer to: Lean In
You’ve heard of ‘leaning in,’ the phrase popularized by Sheryl Sandberg’s book of the same name. The term refers to ‘the act of making a good effort to attain a goal you have or gain a competitive advantage at work’ and is used to encourage women to advocate for themselves and their abilities in the dog-eat-dog world of professionalism.
But how about careening in?
We offer careening in as an alternate option for all those of us who skid into work with wet hair, wild eyes, and coffee spilled across their knuckles, uttering their usual refrain of ‘sorry, so sorry, hit a little traffic’ even though we all know that by ‘traffic’ you mean ‘patch of generalized ennui spent staring into the middle distance.’
Take back your power, girl boss, and make careening in your 2023 trademark!
Riot Quitting
Our answer to: Quiet quitting
You’re probably familiar with the ‘quiet quitting’ phenomenon, which refers to employees not outright quitting but simply refusing to do anything beyond the scope of their job description (so… working). But if quiet quitting doesn’t have quite enough verve for your tastes, maybe you’d consider… riot quitting?
Riot quitting is a cool fun term we’ve coined that refers to a pre-1981 approach to workplace conflict, including but not limited to
- Responding to inconveniences with lots of high-volume screeching
- Throwing things
- Challenging expectations, especially base-level ones, by saying, ‘who died and made YOU boss?!’ (this is doubly effective if said to your boss)
- Tantrums, with or without crying (up to your discretion)
- Violence*
- Sarcastic laughter and/or scoffing when asked about deadlines
- Flipping over your desk, preferably with all your effects still on it, and screaming ‘I QUIT’
*Blue Summit Supplies does not condone violence in the workplace or non-consensual violence outside of it.
Full-Throttle Thursday
Our answer to: Bare Minimum Monday
Bare Minimum Monday is a recently coined term that refers to starting your week off slow and doing only the bare minimum on Mondays. This is touted as a way to prevent disappointment if you fail to achieve the high-expectation task list most overachievers tend to start their weeks with.
So, instead of simply moving the unfinished tasks to, say, Tuesday, these Bare Minimum warriors are committing to doing just that – the bare minimum.
Well, I see your Bare Minimum Mondays and offer an exciting companion day: Full Throttle Thursdays.
Took it slow and easy Monday? Great job, girlypop! Keep that anxiety low. Except maybe that now it’s Thursday morning, you’re finding that your slow start caused some work to pile up for the end of the week.
No worries – it’s Full Throttle Thursday, which means you’re going to wake up and grab this freaking day by its throat. Here’s a breakdown of the ideal Full Throttle Thursday:
- Wake up to a full volume 4:45 a.m. alarm and greet the pre-dawn darkness with a guttural, 90-second scream. (Tip: Don’t stop until one or more of your neighbors has screamed back their displeasure.)
- Launch yourself out of bed and directly into the shower, tearing away clothing as you go. Turn on the shower while standing beneath it. The water hasn’t had a chance to heat up yet, which is ideal – the cold will mingle with your hot tears to create a tepid, salty exfoliant!
- Play Vivaldi’s most frantic piece on full volume as you blast through the rest of your ‘getting ready’ routine, finishing strong by pouring six shots of espresso into one cup and pounding them all at once.
- By this time, dawn should be splitting itself open for you – don’t let Mother Nature’s gift go to waste! Do as many burpees as you can in a puddle of early sunlight while yelling out your affirmations until you’re hoarse, and then it’s…
- WORK TIME! Emails aren’t gonna read and answer themselves, so let’s shred that inbox. We’re going for quantity over quality here – it’s Full-Throttle Thursday, not Taking Things Seriously Tuesday, so really take a throw-the-spaghetti-at-the-wall approach to your job here. Perfect is good, but done is better, and ‘good enough’ is best of all! (See: quiet quitting) Keep this up until 8 p.m. – remember, NO BREAKS!
- At 8:01, abruptly hit a wall. Allow your vision to blur. Crawl into bed, slack-jawed, and let the curtain of sleep drop itself heavily over your prone body.
Underemployed
Our answer to: Overemployed/polywork
Have you heard of being ‘overemployed’? Maybe you’ve heard it called ‘polywork.’ Both terms refer to the burgeoning practice of individuals taking two full-time, usually remote positions and raking in two salaries, something that’s as questionably ethical as it is lucrative.
Sounds pretty good, right?
Maybe not as good, though, as being underemployed, which refers to the fun, romantic state of being where you have one or fewer jobs and instead of making lots of money, you don’t make nearly enough! Join the 70% of millennials in the anxious paycheck-to-paycheck lifestyle who have no idea how they’ll afford to buy a house one day, much less pay off their student loans. The American Dream isn’t dead, it’s just different!
Luddite Nomads
Our answer to: Digital nomads
Worklife.com defines ‘digital nomads’ as “People who have unplugged totally from their former physical workplaces and travel wherever they want, with families in tow or by themselves, with all the tech they need to still complete all their work requirements.”
But is that level of disconnection enough?
We think not, which is why we propose opting for a Luddite nomad lifestyle. Luddite nomads see digital nomads and raise them by eschewing all technology. That’s right – no more stress-inducing Zoom meetings, phone notifications, computer updates, airpod case charging, heated and cooled spaces, indoor plumbing, modern medicine, basic tools, or Tiktok.
Just you, the open plains (because roads are technically technology, too, so you’ll have to forge your own path – exciting!), and hopefully no scratches or cuts of any kind since you’re not really allowed to have antibiotic ointment, either.
Want to really commit? Leave the family behind, too – you only have one life! Live it stress-free!
Old Normal
Our answer to: New normal
Remember when this normal we’re in was still new? Recall the normalcy of it, the fresh, new normality, just birthed and unknown but so normal that it should’ve been unremarkable. Except we couldn’t stop remarking on it. It was everywhere. New and normal and ubiquitous in its normalness.
Well, that was so 2020, and in 2023 with nostalgia culture more prevalent than ever, we’re bringing back the old normal.
That’s right – we’re going back to pre-pandemic depression and anxiety levels, where people gave out Free Hugs and there was plenty of Adderall to go around!
I remember distinctly saying to my boss in January of 2020, ‘I really feel like this year is gonna be a great one for me.’ And by golly, I believed it. By returning to the old normal, you can relive those halcyon days of blissful ignorance when the worst thing in the world seemed like a regular life-threatening illness and not a bat-generated pandemic that caused an unprecedented tidal wave of polarization and panic.
Finding a New Job
Our answer to: Hush trips
‘Hush trips’ is a term that refers to remote workers taking trips outside of their hometown but not telling their employers about it to avoid having to use vacation time. Truly the worst of both worlds!
Instead of hush trips, though, we’re suggesting finding a new job.
That’s right – if your work place is one where you’re forced to secretly take vacations since you either don’t have enough vacation days to achieve anything close to a work-life balance or vacations are frowned upon within the culture, might we interest you in leaving that place behind you and moving on to a place where you’re treated like an actual human being worthy of joy and fulfillment?
C’mon – you only get one life, and you already spend a good chunk of it at the office. You deserve to work somewhere you enjoy and are respected, and a culture that forces you to take anything akin to ‘hush trips’ simply ain’t it.
And, most importantly, happy April Fool’s!
